Written late one night, many moons ago, when my mind was definitely not in a good place.

There is something peculiar about just existing. I don’t mean existence in and of itself, I mean, those temporary periods in life where you are just existing. Nothing matters, no one means anything; you sit emotionless. 1:15am comes around and you don’t feel tired, you don’t feel energetic. You don’t feel anything at all. A whirlwind of thoughts ravage your mind as they come and go, zip to and fro. You may be staring at a wall, at a phone, or even sitting in pitch black, but what you are seeing is not what is in front of you. Some visual representation of your thoughts are what you see. A memory, a fantasy, or nothing at all. Each scene goes as quickly as it came, each triggering small micro-emotions going from 0 to 100 and back seemingly instantly. Your mind can’t keep up, so you exist, emotionless. Laying in bed, tossing and turning, needing to sleep, needing to dream, but your eyes are wide open. Your mind is in full control, and all you can do is exist. It’s times like these that are so peculiar. Five minutes turn to five hours turn to five days, and so on. This unbearable active unconsciousness eats away at you. Relationships fall apart, responsibilities get forgotten, conversation is no longer quality and your mental health starts to spiral. It is a self feeding machine, powered by itself, and the only one in control of it, is itself. No one can help. People can numb the feeling, people can distract you from the problem. People are a band aid on cancer. Hobbies and entertainment, they seem like a good idea for a little while, but you are so deep in your mental abyss that you will start to no longer enjoy those things, which sharply feeds into the fall. If you no longer enjoy activities that you use to enjoy, if you no longer love who you love, or do what you do… If you are just, existing… Then, what is the point. What is the end goal for you? What is the end goal for any of us. The glorious journey of life, ends in death. That is the end of the road. There is no upgrade, there is no raise, there is no winning. The end game is to die, and only die. Living is prolonging the absence of death. Living is just asking for more time to do shit before you die. Everything you do from the time you are born, til the moment you die, is just filler in the story we already know the beginning and end to. We know how this trip ends, so what is the point? If a movie started by telling you the ending, what is the point of watching the movie. Whatever happens in the middle is just filler leading to the end we already know. None of it matters. What you do in life between birth and death does not matter. We all die the same way. We are born, we exist, and we die. The end if your life's already known. You know what will happen. You just don’t know when. The only part of your life you are in some kind of control of is right now, and you are just existing. You are choosing to just exist. You will continue to exist, until you no longer exist… Or until you choose to live once again.

You can listen to this monologue below. I added music, it adds atmosphere.