I don’t care much for The Universe. Not ‘The Universe’ as in the entirety of space, matter, and dark energy/matter. I mean, The Universe… You know, that thing everyone complains about when something inconvenient happens in their life. “The Universe hates me right now” is a common phrase I hear people utter, usually while telling a story where they completely ignore their own mistakes and shortcomings that lead to the actual issue, but that’s besides the point. I don’t believe in The Universe as some sort of transcendental omniscient entity that somehow cares about and controls our lives. It’s just religion with fewer steps. I am also human, which means in a time of sorrow or suffering, I am much more willing to turn to ridiculous defenses in order to make myself feel better, and to hide the fact that, in this current moment, everything kinda sucks.

The Universe doesn’t care about your feelings, or your decisions, or your problems. The Universe doesn’t care about what you said yesterday or 10 years ago. The Universe, in its true form, is just a manmade term for the ever expanding fishbowl that our reality exists in. But, right now, I hate The Universe, as much as I don’t believe in it. Sometimes it feels like EVERYTHING and EVERYONE is against you. The Universe is against you. Sometimes you just aren’t winning, you can’t win, you can’t get just one little success to give you hope. Every three steps forward is another five steps back. You cut out a monthly expense, another goes up in cost. You sell some old junk for cash, your car suddenly needs service. You finally invest in your transportation to work saving you lots of money on your monthly travel, you get laid off. Sometimes it feels like The Universe is working against you. I guess a religious person would see this as “A test from God” or something like that. More power to them, though I would really be disheartened by believing in a being that brings pain and suffering as a test of devotion. However, that is not my fight today.

I think I can say that I have had a pretty fortunate life up to this point. I know maybe people who have battled far harder than I have. I try to ground myself with that knowledge knowing that regardless of the level of suck I am currently dealing with, it could be a lot worse. It IS a lot worse for some. I try to keep that in mind while feeling depressed and defeated. Some may say that I don’t need to compare my traumas with others as all trauma is justifiably… well, traumatizing, I guess. I understand that, but my life up to this point has led me down this path where my mental suffering is not equal or comparable to others’ suffering. Other people suffer more than me and anything I experience is just part of life and I need to deal with it. Call it toxic or unhealthy, it is. But it is what it is.

Anyway, Universe. I hate that I don’t care to ever believe in or accept The Universe in any sort of meaningful way, and yet here I am damning it because of my current mental state. I am like someone who only prays when they are in a really bad situation, but with even less conviction. Three months ago my life was continuing on as it had for years and years, and suddenly overnight everything changed. Every win was now a failure. Every effort to be my best was now for nothing. I have been attempting to be more financially responsible, and tried to position myself for the long term, but The Universe wasn’t having any of it, and made sure to make me suffer for trying to be a better person.

I’ll probably beat this soon enough. Life doesn’t suck, just right now sucks. This is mostly the depression talking, as it has gotten louder and louder with every passing day.